Friday, 22 August 2014

Heavy Sweetness Ash-Like Frost: Translation (Chapter 16: I Do Not Mind Even If It's Shallow)

   This is my favourite Night chapter of the whole book. This was also a large part of why I started reading this book. I decided that this chapter will be best read as a whole and so translated both parts to make one whole chapter 16.

    I have been translating for almost eight months now and time has made me realised how much of myself I do put into translating. Translating is not just "changing" or "transforming" one language into another, just like how one adapts a book into a television drama, the medium is not totally alike - you have to feel the story in your heart, and try to re-create it with different tools. 

   Since so much effort is placed into each chapter, I realised that I must love all the characters of the novel. For example, I cannot just like Phoenix - write him in all his fiery, masochistic, angsty, intense glory. There is also Night - with the cold metallic scales, the quiet moonlight, the nervous and loving Nightmare beasts, the eternal loneliness. 

   I try my best, but as the story continues, I realise Dian Xian moves so much beyond the literal, into poetic dream-like sequences that I start to add flourishes here and there to try and express what is being said. I don't always know if it works, but I hope some part of this is passed onto you. 

Chapter 16: I Do Not Mind Even If It's Shallow

*Kuang lang!* [sound syllables]

   The sound was sharp and crisp, a pair of eyes opened at once, as if having been woken from a dream in alarm. 

  In the light mist of the morning, Night's long figure led one to think of a branch of the Bodhi Tree in the West, carrying the whiff of clean, distant zen philosophy. He sat with his back straight at a table, in one hand was the broken fragments of a porcelain plate, the Nightmare Beast timidly cowered at the side of his feet on the ground, a ball of light was slowly dissolving*.

   Rubbing the eyes, one sat up from the wisteria lounge chair, and realised that one had fallen asleep unconsciously while waiting for Night in the Flower Hall. Innocent and muddled, one felt like one had made a very long dream, and yet also had the feeling that one did not dream at all...

  I have gotten used to eating breakfast at Night's Four Stars palace, and today was no different. It was just that last night's mutual cultivation had taken too much physical energy, who knew that during the time Night was preparing breakfast one would have fallen asleep. I wondered how much had my divine strength increased and decided that I must test it out when no one was around later. 

  "Awake?" Night's voice was deep and low, his straight back was upright till it seemed a bit stiff.

   I gave an affirmative sound as I rose and headed to the table. I looked at the table full of dishes and immediately felt hungry. Just as I was about to start eating, my wrist was caught by Night who cried, "Be careful at your feet."

  I looked down and realised that there were two sharp broken porcelain fragments at the tip of my toes. It was truly risky. I was about to move my wrist and thinking of using an enchantment to sweep away these fragments when Night raised his hand to stop me. With a twirl of his fingertips, a light wind carried up the fragments and in an instant the fragments returned to a clean gleaming small half moon plate. He used this small plate to carry some clean water and sat opposite me, his eyelids were closed as he quietly sipped.

  After eating finished, I raised my head and saw that Night was still in the same position. He seemed to have drank the water into a state of utter concentration, but the water in the plate did not decrease by a drop. I wondered what he was thinking so deeply about and reached out my hand and waved in front of his eyes, "Are you not eating?"

  He suddenly appeared to regain consciousness and lifted up a pair of chopsticks to pick up a very fresh and delicate lettuce. I did not know why but his movements appeared a little stiff, and did not possess his usual grace. He used the pair of chopsticks as if it was a weapon, he tried to pick up the lettuce a few times but he failed to. Finally, he placed down the chopsticks and his dark brows lightly rose. The Nightmare beasts gazed at the door and appeared to want to head out, but yet did not dare to. 

  I kindly helped him to pick up the delicate lettuce and also scooped the five cereal rice for him. I even removed the onion which he disliked from the lettuce. Basically, I did everything but swallow the rice and vegetable for him. I truly felt I was being as considerate as I could!

  Unlike the usual warm and gentle Night, the present Night was not even willing to give me a smile in return. He seemed to still be deep in thought and his brows were locked together so deep that he himself could not untangle them. I became disinterested at the lack of response to my generosity and lowered my head to look at my stomach. 

  "Last night, the Beauty Night Scent Flower bloomed." After a moment of silent, Night continued, "Unfortunately, Jin Mi was not around... a flower blossomed but with no one to admire, it was lonely as its beautiful scent had no owner, a flower's greatest sadness has to be this."

  "How is there no one to admire? Once I gave it to Night, Night is the true owner. Last night, the flower bloomed and Night was around, it did not blossom in waste." After eating finished, I savoured the scent of the hot tea under my nose. Who knew, that a strong external force will come upon me and I would fall into an embrace. I lifted up my head and saw Night's elegant face, both his arms were hugging my chest.

  "Am I her true owner?" The warmest smile could not hide the sadness that flowed out his gaze, he leaned down and pressed his lips together tightly, there was an almost transparent icy mist surrounding his lips, as cold as the folklore songs, I couldn't help trembling a little. I suddenly fell into a sudden confusion as if there was endless mist everywhere. 

  In a moment, the touch of something hard and cold like metal pricked my consciousness back, I saw under my palm was a silver dragon scale, just like when I first saw it, it reflected the dazzle of the daylight but also carried the light distant glow of the moon.

  The chest I leaned on lightly went stiff, as if this was the unexpected outcome within expectations, after a long time, he let out a long breath, "In the last ten thousand years, I have only revealed my real self twice, but both times were seen by Jin Mi, this will cause those in the know to laugh**."

  I asked, not understanding, "What's so funny about showing one's true self? What's more this dragon tail is very beautiful!"

  Night lightly laughed, so light it dissolved into the wind. 

  "When I was young I lived in the Tai Hu***, my birth mother was an ordinary red silk koi, from the time I was born I was with my fellow red kois, I did not know how high the sky was or how wide was the sea, I did not know why my mother, day after day, would cast spells onto my body..." He massaged the point between his brows, his eyes did not look at the tail that carried the moonlight. 

  "As the days passed, I slowly realised my difference, as my tail grew longer and longer, and my head birthed a sudden protrusion. Under my stomach, my talons started to form, what's more no matter how many spells my birth mother tried to cast, she was unable to hide my white scales with her weak powers. The surrounding red kois slowly started to distant themselves from me, they made fun of my fierce ugly figure and my pale white colour, they called me a 'demon', saw me as an inauspicious creature. I hid at the corner of the lake, and looked in envy at their fiery red colour****, their tails flipping carefree like silk ribbons, now I realised my feelings must have been feelings of inferiority..." 

  "Mother told me that the mortals have a saying that 'one's diligence can make up for one's dullness', so I caught onto that weak light of hope, and trained day and night, only hoping that my high level of cultivation will win me respect. When I cultivated into the form of a human, I was no longer willing to show my true self, and I would choose to wear fiery red clothes. Even when I transformed myself, I would only choose the appearance of an ordinary koi, I always thought by doing so I would grow closer to the appearance of an ordinary fish... but now that I think of it, I was like a frog living at the bottom of a well." Night shook his head and gave a low, very low, smile. 

  "One thousand years later, the heavenly soldiers came down from the sky and brought me to the Heavenly Realms. At that point, I realised that my hard work in the last thousand years was for nothing. It turns out I was not a koi, I was only a white dragon that always wanted to be a fish." He lowered his lids and closed his eyes, he said lightly as if he was only describing the clouds and the wind in the sky, "Actually, to always be that disdained and mocked frog deep in the well may have also been a kind of happiness..."

  I quietly listened to this fragmented story with no proper beginning, middle or end, I moistened my throat and said consolingly, "So the two of us are matching! I was a fruit sprite for the last four thousand years that turned out to be a frost flower. How matching indeed!"

   Night opened his eyes, his black pupils concentrated on me, he leaned down his face and pressed my lips. After a long entwining kiss, he said, "I don't want much, I don't ask that you love me deeply. I only ask that every day you like me a bit, a little bit, as the days become months, as the months become years, as the years become our lives. Would you?"

    He said, "I do not mind if love is shallow, I only ask that love lasts a lifetime."


    Love, what really is this object? This seemed harder to understand that mutual cultivation... I fell into a state of confusion. In the Liu Zi pond, it seemed that there still laid Phoenix who was intoxicated drunk by the osmanthus wine...

* I decided to highlight for those who did not catch it - when Jin Mi fell asleep, the Nightmare Beast ate her dream (which presumably had shown Jin Mi's 'mutual cultivation' with Phoenix). Night had seen this dream from the Nightmare Beast and broke the porcelain plate, because he was preparing breakfast for Jin Mi. 
**Night uses the proverb, <贻笑大方> which means to cause the experts to laugh. 
*** One of the three greatest lakes in China. 
**** My thoughts of the "red" was that red is the colour Night had always wanted to be, and isn't it most ironic that this is the colour that Phoenix owns? 


I love Chapter 16. Night who has always been the paragon of self control as opposed to Phoenix who appears in the royal hall with his sword dripping with fresh blood. Even after he sees the girl he likes/loves in "mutual cultivation" with Phoenix, he falls silent but never quite loses his control... until he does, when he shows Jin Mi his true self. As you know, Night hates to show anyone his true self - it is his legacy of shame and self disgust. This shows how much Jin Mi's dream affected Night.

But, then Jin Mi tells him in her natural way that his tail is beautiful. This long tail that he has been hiding for oh so long. And, then Night tells her his story and his confession. Night is this intriguing mix of intelligence, manipulation and yet self-abasement. He does not dare to ask for more, only asking for just a bit, a little bit more each day to last for a lifetime. That is all his asks of Jin Mi.


  1. heart bleeds for Night. Im kinda hating Phoenix now, just like what his dad did to Mi Er's mom. Can't wait for the unfeeling pill to unravel.

    ♡ U much decembi. Great day!

    - samie

    1. Hey Samie,

      Thank you for the love. It makes me smile :)

      What Phoenix's dad did to Jin Mi's mum and what Phoenix did to Jin Mi definitely has parallels - though I think Phoenix's dad's action is clearly rape, Phoenix and Jin Mi is less clear - while translating, I considered it consensual though haha!

    2. it was consensual, as she never said NO.

  2. Your Prose are so poetic. Thank you dear heart. I am so sad for Night. To see all because of his gift to Jin Mi, the nightmare beast. What control Night has. Does he know what love is? We know Jin Mi doesn't.

    1. Thank you, ginny! So sweet. I try my best to do justice to Dian Xian's writing. Does Night know what love is? I think a very painful version of love.

  3. i think i have tendency to like the second male lead.oh, n i am going to reread it from the first chapter.


    1. Hello Kiyo, hahaha! You have a sympathetic heart.

  4. jin mi innocence is hurting everyone... omg.. :'(

    anyway thanks again for translating.

    1. Hello icicles, thanks for the thanks <3 interesting that you say her innocence is hurting everyone--- I guess her feelings and love may seem irresponsible, that is definitely true, but also her innocence is probably the thing that saves them all.

  5. Thank you so much decembi for all your hard work and effort for us fans ;) You're the best!

    This is definitely a very good chapter, it lets us see more into how Night feels about Jin Mi. Although he seems to be affected, it still hasn't shown or elaborated on his true feelings and intentions towards Jin Mi. I love Phoenix and have always been a Phoenix shipper however do hold a torch for Night. I can't wait to read more and find out more. I feel sad for both of these men because Jin Mi has no idea how they both feel about her. Hopefully as soon as she spits out the unfeeling pill she will get a better idea and understanding of her true feelings towards each of these wonderful men. Thanks again decembi, keep up the good work.


    1. Hello mayx,

      Thank you so much for your warm words. It truly brightens up a very stressful week <3

      I really love this chapter. It's a precious peek into Night's cold metallic heart. I think I love Phoenix and Night equally - it's very hard not to when you put in effort into deciphering each of their thoughts heehee. The time of reckoning for Jin Mi is near.......

    2. i cannot excited. loving every moment and every chapter ;)

    3. Thank you! will try my best :)

  6. I don't feel bad for night. He truly understand that she has feeling for other guy. He is just holding on hope that one day she will change her mind. If you love her, set her free. If she comes back than she really love you.

    1. Your words are very wise. Indeed, if you love her, set her free.

  7. Hello Decembi, thanks for the interpretation/ translation of the chapter. =)

    I honestly thought this chapter was going to begin with phoenix cuddling with Jin Mi... but she was having breakfast with Night! O.O

    Theres a few things that I didnt really understand:
    1) If the mutual cultivation happened in real life, how come Jin Mi was able to dream it? Was she dreaming about it after the actual mutual cultivation happened?
    2) What does mutual cultivation really mean in the realm of the gods? Is it simply a way to gaining power and strength?

    Much appreciated!

    1. Hello Hanako,

      Teehee nope! Dian Xian moves super fast - no post cuddling for Jin Mi and Phoenix.

      1) The mutual cultivation did happen. She dreamt about it after the mutual cultivation :). How was she able to dream it? Hmm, maybe because it was that memorable.
      2) There are two meanings to mutual cultivation - the "normal" one is to help each other cultivate their divine essence, kind of like practising to increase martial arts, the "naughty" meaning is what the Moon God has taught Jin Mi to understand, which is basically sex. Hahaha.

      Hope that helps! Feel free to ask more :)

  8. Omg. So she did the deed than went to eat breakfast with another guy. Scandalous. This is episode on Jerry or Murray. You are not the father. Lol

    1. HAHAHAH! Yes, Jin Mi eats the whole cake.

  9. “Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star.
    It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.
    Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.”
    ― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

    1. ~~~~
      When the sun dips into the sea
      Its kiss ripples through waves
      Night has come
      Blossoms cascade from plum trees
      Winds whisper in silent graves
      Night has come
      Soaring through the sky
      Stars fluttering in sight
      In the endless sea
      Night has come
      Specks of twilight rim the dusky rays
      Small bits of crystal shine under the moonlight
      Snow flowers stray along the vast cerulean veil
      Beyond the limitless azure
      Night has come
      Frolicking sika deers emerge at glance
      Yet all was still
      Beneath the boundless welkin
      Night was lone
      Still, the scent of the tuberosa lingers on
      As a trail of scales glistens amidst the ebbing celestial splendor

      I tried >.< :D

    2. Hello Chocolate Cosmos,

      Your quote from Murakami is one of my favourite's! I really love your poem as well. It fits perfectly <3

    3. I must particularly gush at the "frolicking sika deers emerge at glance/yet all was still" and the lovely ending, "as a trail of scales glistens amidst the ebbing celestial splendor" <3

    4. Aha thank you :D <3
      I was experimenting with poetry and was inspired by other poems as well, along with this chapter.

      While I was reading poems, I found this one that reminded me of Phoenix in chapter 15 ( around there?) :

      I want a trouble-maker for a lover,
      Blood spiller, blood drinker, a heart of flame,
      Who quarrels with the sky and fights with fate,
      Who burns like fire on the rushing sea.

      From Rumi’s Kolliyaat-e Shams-e Tabrizi

      Probably due to the word "fire" :D ?

    5. The poem is lovely. Ooh that Rumi poem really does sound perfect for Phoenix - trouble maker, blood spiller, a heart of flame! Everything sounds perfect. :)

  10. You should know I'm a phoenix shipper from the very beginning. I have a little sympathy for him, but I still find him manipulative. As they say a hand has two sides. I guess Jin Mi is that hand while Phoenix and Night are those two sides. So hard to choose

    1. little sympathy - I'm referring to Night

    2. Yes, Night is very manipulative. I think that's why I find him interesting though - he tries so hard to create the perfect placid front, but in the end, his need to control controls him more than anything else. These cracks on his perfect veneer are his true feelings, but unlike the Beautiful Night Scene Flower Jin Mi gives him to grow, he never really allows them to.

  11. Thank you decembi!

    Just like anonymous stated above, Jin mi living the life. Juggling two hotties at the same time. XD


    1. Hello Lola, thanks for your comment! Teehee. Jin Mi, the master juggler.

  12. i hate that type of man who stays silent in the name of love.....for whose advantages?? Why don't anybody tell Jin Mi, what is what....Jin Mi's like a child who just started learning to walk and unknowingly hurting everyone around her....why nobody reproach the ignorant girl? Why Night himself who claims that he loves her dearly, do not try to explain every little details that she suppose to know?
    I don't understand and I hate this type of guy very much...he keeps everything inside and one day when the pain in unbearable, he will burst out and blames everything on others....
    Phoenix is barbaric as he's sleeping with his own brother's woman but at least he's honest...From the beginning to the end, he shows his true feelings.

    1. Dear Tera,

      Thank you for reading and leaving your thoughts! I really enjoyed hearing a different perspective. I do agree that Night's reticence - probably stems from distrust, low esteem and deceit - and it will cost him in the future in his relationship with Jin Mi.

      Phoenix is rather unethical, but I suppose he sees it as Jin Mi was his first.

  13. I'm already seeing night's heartbreak coming. jin mi is going to leave him and ends up with Phoenix .

    poor night .

    why am I always cheering for the guy who ends up alone !?

    1. Awwww! Let me rescue you from your sinking ship! <3

  14. Bit of a *******SPOILER********

    I read Epilogue 4 because this chapter showed how unlikely she is to end up with Night and I was right. I really wish the author had thrown a curve ball and not gone with the fiery guy like so many novels.
    They are both manipulative, didn't Phoenix give her his feather without telling her the significance?
    Sigh, I just find Phoenix to be too cliche and Night so unique. It's a shame that I found the novel so good and beautifully written.

    1. Hey Bryan, it's not an uncommon feeling for some readers to feel like Night was thrown under the bus haha. I really liked his trajectory the second time I read it and felt that it made sense. there are novels where the main leads are similar to Night, but I'm not sure if they ended up happily. In the end, calculation unbalances love

  15. Although i'm too late to discover this, thank you very much for translating this beautiful novel. I am currently watching its drama version, but i need to wait a little longer for english subs. So i am spending my time reading this to understand more the plot. I really love the way you translate the words as if it is in its original language. ������

  16. I've been reading your beautiful translation and up until now i haven't made any comments. However, after reading your footnote explaining why night broke the porcelain, i really felt so sorry and heartbroken for him. Actually, i cried after reading it because, i remembered what he went through as a child. He was always treated so poorly. I hated phoenix for what he did. I know he loves jen mi but, he should have at least shown a little respect to his brother by not going after his woman. I don't think phoenix would have taken it so calmly if night did that to his soon to be wife.

  17. I just... don't understand why anyone would accuse Night of being manipulative when over and again he was the only one scarred throughout this ordeal! I've been reading quietly until this chapter, I feel like I have to champion Night. Previous chapter drew the last straw for me but Night's reaction in this one implodes me really. I don't know future spoilers, but FUTURE incidents shouldn't be used as an excuse the fact that TODAY, THIS MORNING, Night had been openly betrayed by his brother. Maybe this is one of the reasons that cultivated Night's actual manipulative instinct FOR THE FUTURE TROPES. But not in this chapter. He was nothing but vulnerable, cautious and hopeless. He is so used to being quiet, introvert, poignant, lonely and hermitlike that whatever woes come over him, he acts according to his personality. He remains cautious, quiet, considerate and lonely. His inferiority and the notion that he can't receive wholehearted love for himself and he wouldn't dare be selfish and greedy to even ask for it, IT HURTS. How can people see him as manipulative when he was the one bruised in the end of this chapter?

    1. I love Night as a character but I had liked and consented to Phoenix and Jinmi's eventual endgame until I cannot like him anymore. Phoenix used dirty trick to bind Jinmi. Although to him it was far from dirty, it was out of his burning love for her, he really has no sense of loyalty to his brother or even propriety. Geezus. I don't care about what kind of love games these two are cultivated in, but I hope Night won't be the one hurting by the end of the story. He is my baby now!

  18. This is truly a defining chapter for Night. And so disturbing to me. A truly heart breaking chapter.

    Night grew up as a mishappen fish in Taihu with his mother and the other Koi. It wasn't the happiest childhood experience, but he seemed to prefer it to his exalted life in Heavenly Realms. Despite how much he was robbed and denied of his true identity.
    Why did he prefer the humble lake? I couldn't shake the feeling he was forcefully taken from his mother and home. And that the reason was that he was a child hostage, to keep his fish family in check.
    Why he felt so powerless (not in terms of strength or position) but in his personal autonomy. He had no control over life choices and lived by tolerance and whims of the royal family. Including who he was to marry.
    Jin Mi's description of his yard, his furniture, his home at the edge ... depicted an exile's cage rather than what a member of the royal family is entitled to.
    There is very little interaction between Night and the Empress to work with. But reading btw the lines, if felt like she did not want him in the Heavenly realms but had to put up with it for political reason.
    In such an environment, how Night behaved is understandable. It was a survival mechanism.
    He is extremely self-effacing, and so afraid of asking for anything. He was constantly a victim of slander.

    Last chapter pretty much marked how he had been screwed over by every person that should have cared about him. From his father who used him existance as political tool, his mother who stripped him of his sense of identity, to the brother who slept with his future wife.

    Any man would have been outraged, whether he loved the woman or not. He could have exposed Phoenix's indiscretion and embarrassed the royal family. Yet, Phoenix was not even worried about Night's feelings or reaction. And Night, by his own actions, chose to remain silent. Why?

    The psychologist in me see this as long term in-grained coping mechanisms. Meaning, the royal family could pretty much do anything to him without repercussions. And any attempt to speak for himself had been severely punished and suppressed.

    I might be reading too deeply into a few paragraphs of text, but I don't see his actions as sly or sneaky. He is intelligent and he is a survivor, he simply learned all that from his royal family.
    The irony is, he is a dragon. In Chinese mythology, dragons are the most powerful creatures, symbols of Emperor. Phoenix is the symbol of the empress.
    If the author intended the symbolism, then Night, by the fact the he is a dragon, is a constant threat to status quo. He is inherently powerful, capable of growing up to challenge the emperor (another dragon).
    Which he did, when he finally woke up.

    1. Hello Elennaur,

      i have been mostly a silent reader since i have noticed that most comments are of 4-5 years ago but your comment made me cry and i just had to say my sentiments.

      Thank you for understanding Night with such depth. My heart is always heavy for those who is blinded by their adoration for the love aggressive Phoenix as opposed to gentle, cautious and damaged Night.

      Even i myself, who adore Night, acknowledges his faults of manipulation but it is obviously and naturally a consequence of all the evildoings of the people surrounding him as well as the torture he had gone through in his life.

      I am not a big fan of Phoenix but i do understand his views of love as well (even though it came as having no respect or regards to his brother for the name of love). It just deeply pains me that people take Phoenix's side so naturally when he takes action for love even though he was blind of his parent's crimes and disregards his brother but when it's Night taking action for justice then it's suddenly so evil and unforgivable?

      How saddening..deeply saddening.

      It provokes my imagination as to what could've been if Jin Mi fell in love with Night and Phoenix was the 3rd party who refused to let her go? Would people still view Night with such contempt if he went after the throne to expose how wrong the Heavenly system is with Jin Mi loving him and supporting him at the side? I think not. Majority will support him. In this case, Jin Mi is truely the game holder of this story, since whoever receives her affection naturally receives the audience's approval. *sighs*

  19. OMG, I read all the comments. I wished I could interact with these previous readers. Phoenix acts as he is because since birth he is the precious son of the heavenly couple, the all powerful fire god, the most handsome man every beauty throws themselves at his feel... Every privileges' are his. He is also smart, accomplished, brave...This phoenix is perfect in every one eye and even in himself. He eats the best food, he drinks the best water, he wears the best clothes... It seems everyone worship him. He met and fall in love with Jin Mi first. He is not going to yield. Why should he?

  20. Night is the opposite of Phoenix in every way. Night is the survivor against all odds. I think Night truly loves Jim Mi but her heart is already with Phoenix even she does not not know it. Night always have to calculate because if he brought this out in the open, Jin Mi would loose her reputation and even her life for this behavior is not tolerated with the beloved son of the empress. Night would be an object of pity or a laughing stock. Because of the circumstance, Night needs and wants power to protect himself and perhaps even Jim Mi, people he loves...Night manipulates but does he has the choice not to?

  21. My heart aches for all three, Phoenix, Jin Mi and Night. I laugh since it seems like C drama always blame fate. Even immortals can not escape fate.

  22. And I have to respect Night; his heart is broken but he still has a clear head always. It is too bad that Jin Mi heart belongs to Phoenix already and Night knows it.

  23. I reread this chapter and my heart ache for Night. I also respect him. He did not blame Jin Mi. He did not insult or call her name out of pain and anger. It was painful for him that he wished he died but never mean or being ugly to Jin Mi.

  24. This is a beautiful chapter about Night.